Friday, November 9, 2012

My Broken Heart

I just had my heart broken. No, it wasn't a new beau taking a walk. No, it wasn't that my favorite show was postponed for the election. It was what I heard over the phone from my son as I called him from work:

"Mommy! I just want you back, Mommy!"

And I felt my heart breaking.

You don't know what it took for me to hold it together in that moment and not bolt out of this room to my car, to go to my poor, sobbing baby. I had worked five 12 hour shifts in a row while the kids were shuffled between the babysitter and Gramma and Grampa. I hadn't seen them at all in those four days. I talked to them on the phone, but sometimes, it just isn't enough.

Then he sobs, "Mommy! I'm sowy, Mommy! I wanna go home!".

And I felt my heart shatter into a million peices. Now my child, my little boy, is telling me he's sorry! Like he's being punished for something because he misses his Mama.

I took a shaky breath and tried to reasure him, all the while hurting so much inside I couldn't stand it. He cried and sobbed and pleaded with me not to hang up the phone, telling me over and over that he was sorry and he just wanted to go home. At this point, my partner was staring at me and I was trying so hard not to cry (about has hard as I'm trying not to cry just telling you about it). I tried to explain, I tried to console, but he was adamant; he just wanted me.

This is not fair. It's not fair to him. It's not fair to his brother. But what can I do?

I never wanted my children to grow up this way. I never wanted to be an absent parent. I just have to keep praying, keep fighting, keep believing that this situation is only temporary and God does have a bigger and better plan for my life than I can even imagine. Though it's taking every fiber of my being to believe that at this point, there is no doubt in my mind that He's there and He will never leave me.

 "I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." ~ Matthew 17:20 NIV

<3 SMF

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