Here we go!

So in my quest to provide the best education possible for my boys, the question has come up of how I will afford the needed materials.

And for a time, I was a bit puzzled.

But now, I have two words for you:

GARAGE SALES!!

In the last two weeks, I've gotten a TON of educational materials for virtually no money and my kids are already so enthralled by some of the items that I can't wait to get started!

Here's how my treasures stack up:

                    Little Tykes Alligator Teeter Totter:  Retail: $79.99 (www.toysrus.com)
                                                                             I paid: $3
                                                                             Money saved: $76.99
                                                                             Teaches: Physics, Teamwork
                   
                    Casio Piano Keyboard with Teacher Feature:
                                                                              Retail: $68.99 (www.amazon.com)
                                                                              I paid: $14
                                                                              Money saved: $54.99                          
                                                                                      Teaches: Hand-Eye Coordination
                                                                                             (at the very least!)

                     My First Animal Encyclopedias:       Retail: $24.99 (www.amazon.com)
                                                                              I paid: $1
                                                                              Money saved: $23.99
                                                                              Teaches: About most animals A-Z
                     
                    Black & Decker Kid's Tool Set:         Retail: $15.94 (www.toysrus.com)
                                                                              I paid: $1
                                                                              Money saved: $14.94
                                                                              Teaches: Problem solving

I also got about 20 children's books, but I didn't take the time to find the cost of each one; however they are all learning books about feelings, colors, letters, and numbers.

Doesn't seem like much, does it? I didn't thinks so at first, either. Aside from the fact that I saved at least $170, the more I think about the items I purchased, the more educational value they seem to have! All kinds of possibilites just started presenting themselves - things I never thought of as "educational" are suddenly just what my kids need to help them learn about life in the real world.

Definately not my most informative post, but I just had to share with you this change of perspective. I look at everything my kids do and play with in a whole new light now and I think it's a really positive change. They aren't just playing, they're gaining an understanding of the world and how it works and I think it's fasinating! I can't wait to get started!

As always, do your best for your family and I'll do my best for mine!

<3 ~SMF~

There's something you should know.

So since we have established this whole virtual relationship thing, I've decided I need to come clean about something ...

I'm crazy.

Insane.

Nuts.

However you say it, I'm out of my mind.

At least, that's the only conclusion I can come to because I recently decided I am not going to send my children to public school.

GASP!!

Yes. I am a single mom, working a minimum of 42 hours a week, and I have chosen to school my children at home.

Wait - before your jaw totally hits the floor; there's more:

I am not going to use a homeschooling program, either. I am going to unschool them.

I know, I know! It's so much to take in! And while you recover from the shock of all this craziness, I want to explain my rationale and you tell me if it seems, er, rational.

So here it is; the ugly truth - the reason I have made this choice is ...

As a first grader, my teacher made me cry. In front of the whole class.

That's it. That's why my children will not attend public school.

Okay, okay so I suppose there is a bit more to it than that. Truth is, in that moment, I began to hate learning. I associated learning from that point on with people who only tolerated me because they had to. I thought learning meant being confined in a stuffy room with peers who didn't like me for one reason or another. I based my view of my own intelligence on the number of red check marks on the graded papers. I was sure from a very early age that I was stupid and worthless as far as school was concerned.

By second grade, I was consistently failing. I did fine on tests and in-class assignments, but I never turned in my homework. I remember the math assignments in second grade. They were double sided with five problems on each side of the paper. We were allowed to do the "A" side in class, but the "B" side was for homework only. I can remember my teacher humiliating me in front of the other students for repeatedly doing both sides in class. I thought by doing both sides she would be impressed and maybe I'd get a compliment or a gold star or something! But no, she shattered my little seven year old spirit into thinking I could never please anyone.

So I stopped trying.

I never failed a grade, but I never made the honor roll, the Principal's list, or got any outstanding awards. I failed several classes in high school and had to retake them. I didn't care. After a while you become numb to the humiliation and shame that comes with failing and being reprimanded for it. I was unable to go on school trips or attend special activities because of my grades. I couldn't play any sports or be involved in extra curricular activities. I went to school because it was required until I was 18. Then I could be done with it.

For 13 years of my life, I was miserable. In high school, I resorted to dumping last night's left overs into the toilet and telling my mom I'd puked so I didn't have to go to school. I hated it so much I often told my parents I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. I felt I was being kept in a box and my interests and aspirations were not important; I needed to put them aside so I could fit into the school system's mold.

I never want my child to feel that way.

It wasn't until several years after graduation that I realized I am intelligent. I am valuable. I can finally have my own hopes and dreams and I will let no one squash them. Once I realized my life is mine to do with what I want, I felt so free!

And confused.

And lost.

What was I to do with myself with no one dictating my life five days a week?

So I did some things with my life that I regret. In searching for myself, I nearly lost myself (make sense?). I made some choices that will forever affect me and now, my children. I didn't know what to do with my life because there was no one there to tell me. I lost a full ride music scholarship (something I actually excelled at in school). I drank (a lot!). I smoked. I squandered my money. I didn't pay my bills. I had no respect for myself or any one around me. And in one poor choice, I was suddenly and severely grounded.

I was pregnant. I had some very real choices to make.

It has been a long and tough road to where I am, but today, I have one of the most unrecognized but important jobs in the country. Every time I log in, the safety of an entire county depends upon the competence of myself and my partners. I recently had my first yearly evaluation and the results absolutely stunned me. I never thought I could accomplish so much. I never thought I was smart enough to make anything of myself but it would seem that I am and I have!

Did I learn from my mistakes? Yes. Does everyone have to learn from their own mistakes? Absolutely. But I don't want my children to be so lost when they're turned loose on the world that they have to fall as far down as I did to realize their worth. In my opinion, children should be learning about themselves while in the care of their parents so they may be guided in a constructive direction and hopefully avoid a destructive one. Their aspirations and interests and desires should be given special focus so they may become someone that they think is worthwhile; not someone the world thinks is worthwhile.

So, we will school at home. The curriculum will be life and the world will be the classroom. It's not going to be easy, and their SD will most likely have a problem with it, but I believe this is the best choice for my family. (Not to mention, if they went to public school, I would only see them for one full day a week and that is NOT okay with me.)


I hope to share with you my discoveries on this new journey as I research and better understand others' success with this new way of learing the ways of the world!


 As always, take what you can use and leave the rest!

<3 ~SMF~

What tweaks my melon ...

I can't stand parents who expect perfection.

Especially from a child.

Especially from a toddler.

It's like once the child is old enough to start questioning and communicating and thinking for himself that fit hits the shan and parents lose their minds.

Example: Not using a spoon correctly. Boy uses the spoon to put refried beans in his hand and then in his mouth.

Result: Mom scolds him for getting his hands dirty and tells him to stop making a mess.

Earth to Mom!! The refried beans he's eating will wash off his hands!

Little Mr Spoon Boy is learning fine motor skills. He's experimenting with texture and developing senses. If it feels squishy between his fingers, it feels squishy in his mouth. If it feels warm in his hand, it'll feel warm in his mouth. Contrary to popular belief (as most things are) we are not born knowing these things!

What he's also learning when his experimenting is so rudely interrupted is that experimenting is a bad thing that makes Mom mad. It warrants a scolding and sometimes worse. So learning new things must be a no-no. Better not do that again.

Is that really how you want your child to view the world? That discovering anything on his own is a bad thing and he better just do what everyone else is doing? Don't you want him to learn to solve problems and think for himself?

Maybe we should rethink this.

What if Mom gave words to what he's experiencing? What if instead of scolding, Mom said, "Beans are squishy, huh? Are they warm? Are they cold? Now see what they taste like! Are they good? Do you like beans? Take another bite. Are they all squishy and warm?"

                                               My children playing in an entire box of baking soda.

Giving words to what he is experiencing enables him to better label what he's feeling whether he's sensing it by touch/smell/sight/taste/hearing or feeling it emotionally. Children are constantly struggling to find a way to express themselves. If you don't like the way they're doing it, maybe you should enable them to learn a new, more productive way instead of getting angry/frustrated and throwing an adult temper tantrum.

Temper tantrum? An adult?

Yep. When you got mad at your child for spilling his juice all over in the toy box, think about what happened. You raised your voice, marched over to him, gave him a rather loud talking-to, possibly spanked him, and angrily pointed down the hall and sent him to his room. Is that not the adult equivalent of crying, screaming, throwing oneself on the floor and pounding one's fists?

When you're frustrated and you let out an exasperated sigh along with your child's name, is that not the adult version of whining? Yelling when you're not pleased with something your child has done is the adult version of screaming "No, Mommy, no!", is it not?

Children learn what they live, not what you tell them to learn.

Want a respectful child? Treat them with respect. We often treat strangers with more respect than our own children. Would you yell at a stranger? Hit them? Humiliate them for making a mistake? Criticize their every effort to do what they've been asked?

No. Why? Because they'd probably call the police and report harassment or assault. If it were a co-worker, it could be considered discrimination.

But it's okay to treat your child this way? It's not discipline. It's total disrespect. Disrespect for your child's feelings. For his needs. For his innate desire to explore and learn and grow. Would you like it if someone treated you in such a way - especially someone who was supposed to love you unconditionally and provide for your every need?

Do I want you to let your child run the house with his little boy antics? No. If what he's doing is not appropriate for the time and place, gently tell him so. "We don't splash in the dog water. If you'd like to splash, let's go outside." My kids love textures. Instead of mixing their drink with their sandwich at the table, we eat lunch with the promise of going outside to mix up some mud. We add grass to one bucket of mud, sand to another, and extra water to another. They love it!

   Splashing in a big rubber tub at Gramma & Grampa's house instead of

playing in the dog water.

Think before you react next time you're faced with a challenging situation that involves your child's behavior. Ask yourself where that behavior might have been learned. If it was from you that the reaction was learned, change it. As with most things worth doing, it's not easy, but it will be worth it.

Just wanted to make you THINK.

As always, take what you can use and leave the rest.

<3 ~SMF~

Because I'm the Mom!

I get asked a lot why I do things the way I do. Why don't I vaccinate? Why do I buy organic? Why do I feed my kids gluten free? Why don't I spank? Why no fluoride? Why no hot dogs? Why, why, why????

Well, the short answer (as the title implies) is that I am the Mom.

But that would make for a rather short and uninformative post. So, I'll give you the long answer.

First, just let me say that as parents, we are saddled with the responsibility to do the best job we can with the knowledge that we have; sometimes that means we need to acquire more knowledge. For me, this is a no brainer. I've never been one to just believe what the doctor says because there are letters after his name. I have learned the hard way that doctors don't know everything. Nor does your great aunt Millie, your mother in law, or your best friend. They are only humans, just like the rest of us. They have to research. They have to learn. And they, too, are doing the best job they can with the knowledge they have. Should they choose not to expand that knowledge, well, that's when the slope becomes slippery.

When my baby brother, Jake, was seven months old, my mom took him in for a well child check. He was given a clean bill of health and "routine" vaccinations were administered. Two hours later, my mom had put him down for a nap. When she went to check on him, he was blue and not breathing in his crib. She rushed him to the ER. Jake's lungs had filled with fluid. The doctors said he had a severe case of pneumonia and should have been seen days ago. He was hospitalized for 8 days. He came home with oxygen for nighttime use and a nebulizer. My mom had to put him upside down across her lap and use these paddle-looking things to beat on his back and jar the phlegm loose several times a day.

I don't remember much of it (I was only five at the time) but I do remember my mom being frantic when he wasn't breathing. I remember her fighting with the ER doctor who said it just wasn't possible for a child's lungs to become filled with fluid in a day's time. I remember her crying because the doctors just wouldn't consider that a vaccine nearly killed her baby boy. I remember Jake screaming and gasping for air as he coughed up an alarming amount of mucus. I remember his little red, tear stained face under the oversized mask of the nebulizer as my dad held him so his arms were pinned because he kept trying to pull the mask off.

According to the Centers for Disease Control,  it’s estimated that only between 1%-10% of adverse vaccine reactions are reported. Doctors are not required to report these reactions, so if parents don't report them, the statistics are grossly flawed. My parents were never told by anyone that they could report Jake's reaction. They were never told that his reaction is listed as one of the possible side effects. Nor were they told that his particular reaction was also associated at the time with permanent brain damage. Funny how the vaccine that was administered that day was pulled off the market for "further testing". It was not returned to the market until 2005, when the vaccine "schedule" contained less than half of what it does now. Someone covering their tracks, no?

Jake was actually very fortunate.  He was spared any lasting side effects of the reaction. It would blow you away to read the stories of parents whose children had such a severe reaction that they couldn't be saved. Children whose parents watched them have 80 seizures a day (http://vaxtruth.org/2011/09/meet-eric/). Children who had strokes in infancy; who no longer have the use of one side of their bodies because of a reaction to a vaccine. I'm not just talking autism here. We're talking life or death reactions.

Life or death reactions that vaccine manufacturers are aware of - that they warn against on the vaccine label. When was the last time you read a vaccine label? Truth is, very few parents have. It's not like you're offered the choice to do so at the doctor's office; you are given a disclaimer to sign - that the office/hospital/doctor will not be held responsible for any reactions and you are aware of the risks.

Wait.

Risks? What risks? Doc said I should give Tylenol in the event of a fever or pain and swelling at the injection site. Nothing about brain damage, seizures, strokes, lowered consciousness, coma, extreme fever, difficulty breathing, anaphylactic shock, deafness, bowl blockage, or anything else that would raise a red flag.

Indeed, the CDC's website claims rates of reaction as "less than" or "approximately". There are no percentages. There are no facts. They use the phrase "it is reported" when addressing the amount of people affected by vaccines. Take into account that doctors are not required to report vaccine injury and patients are not informed they can report it and you have virtually nothing to go on. The CDC does, however, report that less than 10% of vaccine injuries are reported - therefore you can safely assume that there are hundreds of thousands of children who are killed or maimed by vaccines that are not included in the the CDC's "statistics". What I want to know is how the CDC knows that less than 10% of injuries are reported unless they expect a much greater reaction?

Just food for thought. This is in no way medical advice. It is, however, a plea for you to do your own research. Yes, it's time consuming. No, there are not enough hours in a day when you have children under foot. Trust me, I get it. But you should also trust me when I tell you that finding the time to research something that could potentially change your child's life forever should be at the top of your list. 

As always, do what you believe is best for your family. But you will never regret making a truly informed decision.


<3 ~SMF~

Toddlers: Life's Little Teachers

 

             I was walking back and forth in front of the back doors of the church on Sunday, attempting to quiet my cranky two year old, when I saw a father with a little girl about the same age. He had her by the arm and walked her roughly outside. I heard him raise his voice to her and then she began to cry as he swatted her twice. He then said, “Knock it off! Not another sound!” When they came back in, the little girl was overly compliant – but I saw the silent tears, the broken child. She wasn’t being “good” because it was the right thing to do; she was being “good” out of fear. Fear that the people who love her most in the world would hurt her if she expressed her feelings. It wasn’t okay for her to cry when she was upset, but when daddy was upset it was okay for him to yell. It wasn’t okay for her to hit her brother when he took her toys, but it was okay for her daddy to hit her when she tried to tell him she was tired of sitting still. It broke my heart.

                I am of the opinion that children’s feelings are discounted because they are little. Not only do I find that heartbreaking, it worries me. What kind of people will these children become? These children who have learned it’s not okay to express your feelings while your little, but when you’re big enough to harm someone your feelings will be important. I know, I know what you’re thinking – that an undisciplined child becomes a spoiled brat. But let’s take this apart – was the little girl being disciplined? Or was she being punished?

I know those words are often used interchangeably, but they are very, very different. Discipline is derived from the word “disciple”, as in Jesus’ Disciples. If you look up the word “disciple” in a Latin dictionary (the original language of the Bible) you will find that it means “learner”. “Discipline” in the Latin meaning is “to teach, to guide”. “Punishment” by definition means penalty for doing something wrong: a penalty that is imposed on somebody for wrongdoing.

  Also, if you were to look up “rod” in Latin (as in “Spare the rod, spoil the child”) you would find that it means “A staff or stick used to guide a flock”. A shepherd would never use his rod to punish his sheep, lest they come to fear him. He used it gently, never intending harm, to guide them on their way to greener pastures or the nearest watering hole.

In my mind, that translates to this: in order for us to effectively discipline our children, gentle guidance is needed – no; required.

I wasn’t always of this opinion – no, I had my poor moments (and still do!). When Luke was nearly two, it seemed he could not behave no matter what I tried. He screamed in church. He intentionally agitated his brother.  He threw food. He threw tantrums. He broke things. I was at the end of my rope. I spanked him often but he got to the point where he didn’t even cry, he just screamed his protests at having been violated in such a way. He began hitting everyone. Me, his brother, his grandparents, kids at the park, and himself. How was I supposed to teach him that hitting is not how we deal with people who’ve frustrated us, if that’s how I handled him when he frustrated me?

At the same time, I had started a new job as a 911 dispatcher. It is the toughest job I’ve ever done – not just because the work is hard, but incredibly stressful and the training; intense. On my last day of training, I had been employed there two weeks shy of 10 months. I learned a lot about myself during those months – and a lot about how I want to teach my children. It was hard for me to keep my feelings contained when I had done something wrong and was chided for it. At times, it made me feel small; like a failure. I felt like rebelling – like telling them off and quitting because I was trying so hard but it wasn’t good enough. It also made me think. Was this how my children felt when I admonished them for acting out their feelings? They are so little and words just don’t hold the meaning they often need to express when feeling something big. Did I make them feel like giving up because they aren’t good enough? I was determined that I would do everything in my power not to make my children feel like I felt during some days of my training. But how?

The answer came to me at about four in the morning on a Wednesday. I had been so sick. I was in the bathroom, attempting to throw up my guts, and as I sat back on the edge of the bathtub, there was Luke, standing in the doorway. He didn’t say a word, but climbed up on his step stool to the counter and got a Kleenex. He came over to me and gently wiped away my tears and threw his arms around my neck. I was unaware until that moment how capable he was of understanding me and my feelings! He then took my hand and led me back to bed. I was moved to tears. I had to do something different.

I started out by mentally counting to ten before reacting – spanking was something that I did so quickly as my anger surfaced in about 1.6 seconds. Spanking was how my mom had reacted when we had done something wrong and I can remember her gritting her teeth as she squeezed out angry words between swats of the flyswatter. I can remember it making me feel so small and so violated. When I was older and big enough to overpower her, I went wild. What was she going to do? Yell? Ground me? By then I had become hardened to both and didn’t care. I did what I wanted, as did my brothers. I don’t ever want to have to be on the receiving end of the teenager I once was (which is not to say I won’t, but I’m going to do my best).

My second step (after my Mommy timeout) was to address the cause. Was he angry? Tired? Hungry? Needing a diaper? Just needing me? I couldn’t always put my finger on it, but I’ve found the best way to start is to say, “Do you need Mama to hold you?” The first time I asked Luke this, the fight was immediately gone from his eyes, replaced with disbelief. Once he recovered from my unusual reaction, he ran as fast as his little legs could take him into my arms, silent tears falling down his face. It was such an emotional reconnection that I am tearing up just telling you about it! I began to think about how it must feel to have your feelings so grossly overreacted to. To try and tell someone in the only way you know how that you’re tired/hungry/over stimulated only to have them shush you, yell, hit, or ignore you?

Let’s put this in perspective. Let’s say you’re a toddler out with your Mommy at her friend’s house. You’ve been there an hour or so and need something to drink! You babble to your Mommy, but she just smiles and turns back to her friend. You try again. This time, Mommy gets up and plunks you down in front of the TV. And so it begins. It might start out with some clinginess – progressing to fussiness. But Mommy is talking to her friend and takes you to another room to play with the other kid (one you aren’t really familiar with). You just need a drink! Listen, Mommy! You run after her, now crying. She looks at you and puts her finger to her lips and says “Shush! Stop that!”, all the while smiling at her friend. Now not only are you thirsty, your diaper is starting to chafe, you’re tired from crying, and you just want to go home! You throw yourself at Mommy’s feet and continue to scream. Why won’t she listen? Now Mommy’s under pressure from her friend to get you “under control”. She picks you up, spanks you, and puts you in an unfamiliar room and shuts the door. How could she?! You bang on the door, scream and cry, but nobody comes. Finally, you’re so worn out, you give up. No one is coming. Mommy left you. Your little body is exhausted from crying and your little brain so stressed from the situation, you succumb to sleep right there on the hard wood floor behind the door. All over a drink of water.        

It has taken time, and I’ve had to work on my own feelings more than I thought I would, but my children and I generally understand each other now. That’s not to say life is a bed of roses! We still have our moments! I have to dedicate myself to being in tune with them and their feelings – which isn’t easy, but so worth it!

Of course, this post doesn’t even begin to cover all of the ups and downs of parenting a toddler. I intend to write several more on the topic, so stay tuned!

DISCLAIMER:  This method is NOT for the faint of heart. It is NOT easy, nor is it a “quick fix”. It takes time. It takes repetition. It takes trust on the part of everyone. It takes research. It takes dedication. It takes lots and lots of prayer. It takes humility to admit you are wrong. It takes patience, wisdom, courage, and love.

Do you think you have what it takes? No? Well, that’s what the prayer is for.  

<3 SMF

The Fight

          I was terrified. I had been dating this guy for two months. I was only 21 years old. I didn't really even know him! But I had given him my v-card and now I was having his baby. So (against my better judgement) I married him and had his baby, Luke. Luke had lots of health issues. His sperm donor (SD) couldn't have cared less. I was a married single parent. I took my tiny, screaming baby to four appointments a week all by myself - two at a Children's Hospital 110 miles away, and two at a therapy clinic 70 miles away. I struggled to breastfeed him as most of his doctors told me I couldn't. I took him to have surgery, alone. I woke with him and slept with him all the while trying to be a good wife. I cooked homemade meals and kept up with laundry. But the day I took Luke to have surgery and my Mom was the only person who came with me for support - that was the last straw. I was leaving. I would not tolerate nor did I deserve to be treated this way. I had my things packed. I wrote a note and taped it to the TV (where it certainly wouldn't be missed). I went to stay with my parents. SD didn't call or text for two days. And when he did, he just said I needed to come back - not that he missed me or Luke or wanted to know what was wrong, just come home. Pssshhh! I am a lot of things, but I am not a pushover.
         And then I found out I was pregnant. I had a choice to make - tell him what the situation was and what needed to change if he wanted me back, or just give up. I am not one to just quit, so I went back to him after he promised to change. And I continued to be a married single Mom. Then Nathan was born and my world was turned upside down once again. My boys are 11 months and 28 days apart. It was a very difficult time for me - we lived in a crappy little trailer house in a trailer park where the cops knew people by name, and not because they were friends. SD was working only 30 hours a week and playing his Xbox (the tool of satan) the rest of the time. We got evicted. His car got repoed. We were flat broke. My parents would not allow me to move into their house with SD (they never liked him, go figure). So we moved into his parent's house where his mother critisized me about the way I disipline, breastfeeding after six months, making my own babyfood, the way I sorted laundry, .... pretty much everything. I was ready to dig a hole and crawl in it.
       Then right before Christmas, my brother got married. He and his wife were and are so obviously in love that it was painful for me to be there. My parents made a toast - may Josh and his new wife Melissa always be as happy and in love as they were that day. That was my breaking point. I didn't feel as I could ever love SD as my brother loved his wife. I knew it was over and I told him I was through. I never went back.
        So I have been living with my parents, working 40 miles away and trying to be the best Mom I can be to my toddlers. And worrying. I worry about how I will ever be able to raise these boys to be great men when their SD is such a pig. I worry about how I will manage when I am living on my own. I worry about the divorce papers I still haven't finalized - the custody arrangement part is very troubling to me (SD has not seen his children in over three months, and not because I won't let him). I worry about finding love, and if I do and we have more children, will my current children feel left out? Will I even find a man who is willing to step up and teach two little boys who don't belong to him how to be men? These are all things I hope to research and write about in this blog and just maybe another single Mom will run across it and think, "Wow, I'm not alone in my fight!" Because that's what this is; a fight. Every single day is a fight. A fight to keep going it alone while these two precious little lives depend so totally on me.

So I guess I'm a blogger now. I don't know that anyone will read it, let alone gain any life changing ideas from it - but I don't care. I'm going to put my thoughts out there anyway.